{#49} A little reminder...

I haven't been myself lately and it's got to stop. I haven't been lucid in weeks. I need to stop with the crap and start studying and do something with myself cause I'm driving myself crazy. If I keep doing this I'm gonna lose myself completely and I will become the person I never wanted to be.
And yet, I'd do it every fucking day for the rest of my fucking life. Just to forget, you know? Everything. All the shit. Him, my parents, school, the police crap, everything. Just to get away for a while and not think.
But I've got to stop, and even though I don't want to, I will.

{#48} Here's your knife back, I finally got it out of my back. I'm sure you'll be needing it again soon...

I have become such a meaningless person. I guess I have always been like these, except for those almost 3 months where I wasn't myself. I was happy. But now I know it's possible to be in love and happy, and I think I want that. I think I want to be happy and whole and not empty all the time. The only thing that's worst than being empty, is getting used to it. And I thought it was okay, I really did. I thought everything was fine and that I was going to be okay again. But it isn't, and I'm not. And I want it, all of it! I've always wanted it, I was just too scared to admit it. And I'm still scared, but I'm ready. I have been ready for so long... I want to be happy. I want to stop being miserable.

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there… because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else- something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize… you're happy."

{#47} Take the fall...

I have realized that to get up, you need to fall. And it doesn't matter who's there with you, as long as you're there to help yourself on the way up.

{#46} I will follow you into the dark...

She was fucking exhausted. She couldn't take it anymore. She was so damn tired, she hadn't slept in three days. She had been awake for 72 fucking hours and she had lost weight. She hadn't been eating either.
"Well," she said. "That's what happens when you give someone the power to hurt you," she sighed. "And no matter how much they promise, or how much they swear to love you forever, they are going to use that power you gave them, and destroy you. That's life."

{#45} What did I ever see in you?

Oh, I remember now...
I was so terribly in love with you, and I thought you loved me back.
I thought you understood me, and I thought you were mine.
Guess you didn't, and you weren't.

{#44} Swallowed, Sniffed, Snorted, Smoked or Injected

I am glad to say that finally, after almost a month of being one of the most miserable human beings on earth, crying all the time, and being a walking mess, things are starting to work out again. Not really work out, but things are back to the way they used to be before everything happened. And by everything I mean everything that has happened in the last 4 months. Since August. Everything started then. But that is another story for another day. It's mid-November now, twenty-ten is almost gone, and everything is back to the way it was meant to be. No boyfriend, no police, no shit. Well, a little shit. Good shit, though. I'm back to my normal self, saying fuck everyone, screwing everything up and messing shit up. I missed it, not caring. Saying fuck the world. I can't believe I let him change me... but I did because I thought it would be for the better, not for the worst. I did because I was practically screaming to be saved. But that didn't save me, it only hurt me, left me desperate and confused and it didn't leave me nowhere to go. But it's okay now, I understand. I really thought he was too screwed up to love anyone, but he just couldn't love me. And it really is okay. I actually am happy for him, at least one of us got a happy ending. And I'm over it, over the drama, over trying to hate him, and her. Over trying to go back to the past, and over trying to escape from things. So yes. I'm facing everything now. Everything I should have faced years ago. And honestly, there are some things that just don't change. I'm included there.

And I'm glad to say that I'm finally back.

{#43} Look at us.

{#42} Survey #2

What are you thinking about?

Nothing really. Some people are just assholes, no matter what.
How many funerals have you been to this year?
None so far.

You get a text at 4 a.m. saying “come outside.” what do you do?
Depends on who it is. Probably ignore it.

Are you in a good mood?
I haven't been in a good mood in so long.

Is it easy to make you smile?
No. It's easy to make me laugh. That doesn't mean I'm happy though.
Are you starting to realize something?
Yes. (Stupid question)

One thing you’re looking forward to?
Mhm. Dying!
Why did you cry the last time you did?
Cause it all hurts so fucking much.

If someone gave you $500, what would you spend it on?
Interesting. Clothes and make up I think.
Are you a neat writer?
Not really.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My parents.
Do you wanna see somebody right now?
Yeah but it would be bad to my health.
How often do you talk to this person?
We don't really talk anymore.
Has a rumor been spread about you?
A shitload of rumors have been spread about me. Some of them are true.
Are you an alcoholic?
Maybe.
Where on your body hurts?
Every fucking where.
Do you know anyone who drinks a lot?
Yup. A few people.
Do you always find it cute when guys/girls call you babe/baby?
Nope.
When was the last time you got a hair cut?
September 2009.
Is there a song that every time you hear it, you think of someone?
Yeah. A few songs.
Anything you want right now?
I want him. To love me. Yeah.

If you are being extremely quiet what does that mean?
I might be sad, or mad, or nervous.
Would you say you’re emotionally strong?
NOT AT ALL.
Which is harder, telling someone you love them or that you don’t?
That you do, if you really do. If not, it comes out automatically. I love you I love you I'm in love with you I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yeah. Fucking liar.
Who did you hang out with last night?
Myself.
Do you love the last girl you were talking to?
Uhm. Not really.
Did you see a girl last night that made you smile?
No.
Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it?
Nah.
What’s worse: liars or cheaters?
Eugh at both. Seriously. Anyway, to cheat you need to lie. So yeah. Cheaters, then you do both.
Why do people continue to smoke when they know the effects of it?
Cause they don't give a fuck about getting lung cancer and dying. At least I don't.
What is something you wish you had more of?
Happiness.
Are you taller than your mom?
No.
Will your next kiss be a mistake?
All my kisses are.
Do you have to check in with your parents before you go somwhere?
Maybe.
Do you mind being cold?
I don't like being cold. I like being warped in a blanket.
Are you afraid of falling in love?
I'm terrified. Not gonna happen again. Ever. After this, my heart is closed.
Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
E v e r y - f u c k i n g - t h i n g
Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
Yes, they did. They never really meant it though.
Do you think you are a good person?
No.
Describe your life for the past month in one word?
I don't know if you can really call this life. I'm more of a zombie or a ghost of what I used to be.
Would you get married if you could right now?
No.

{#41} You might have him, but I always get the last word.

"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done! All the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? I was done. You left me. You chose her. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore."

{#40} I would wish upon a star... but that star, it doesn't shine

Love story gone wrong... that's all it was.

I opened my heart, just to close it again. And now I know how it feels, and I don't wanna let go of it. I want to feel it forever, with him. I want him to feel it too, but he doesn't and he won't and it hurts like hell and it kills me and my heart hurts and my head hurts and my eyes hurt and I cannot stop the tears and I cannot stop loving him and I want to. I feel... dead.

I feel broken.

And this time, I cannot be fixed.

Welcome old Michelle, I didn't miss you at all.

"Let's be friends"

{#39} If you can't decide in one day, then you can't decide.

Should I run away? Or should I stay and fight?

Both thoughts scare me to death.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Come on Michelle, think.

Think.

{#38} Put me out of my misery

" Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me. So I'm asking you, if you don't see a future for us, if you're not in this... Please... please just end it because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery. "

{#37} One More Shot

With every word to leave your lips, my body feels the cold in it. Heart sank, you hit me point blank and stayed to watch me fall right at your feet on the floor. And the view from here cannot convince, you're still the same face of eloquence. If I could finally get myself over it without taking the world down with me... If I could get myself to get over it. Pardon me, but you're a part of me. I'm now accepting all apologies. The least that you can do is keep my sky from falling. You said we'd make it out in time, but your getaway left me behind. I'll take the fall for you tonight, alright. If we can take it, we're gonna make it. With every word we're caving in, I'm tossing, turning over it. Feels like we're more than broken with every passing moment. Remember when you said the way you felt with me was something like a dream, unlike anything? Well, with the way you're staring at me recently, it's like you don't even recongnize me. Wait a minute, just close your eyes. I know you're tired but focus, and say we'll make it. Here lies a memory, a statue of everything, hold it close to let it keep you. Here lies a melody, that doesn't mean anything, should you choose to let it leave you?

{#36} The Whole Story

I was down on my luck, like the world was pulled from under me. So take a seat and listen up, its time I told you everything and I've got a lot to say. I wish you could see me now, because I'm doing it for myself. But you never believed in me so you left for someone else. And I swore I'd hate you forever, yeah, I kept it all inside, then I wrote it down on paper so the world would know the whole story tonight.
It's funny how you think you know someone after all you've been through together, then they act like a stranger. I guess that's how it goes, but I just wanna say that you don't know what you've been missing. All I wanted was somebody to listen. I did it for myself.

{#35} Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

{#34} They'll kill to see you fall

Not pretty enough. Not hot enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough.
Not good enough, that's all I'll ever be.

{#33} Numbers

Mhm... I'm thinking of tattooing my ID on my body. But then again I have two ID's, Chilean and Israeli. Damn. 

In a way I would honor the Jews that went through the Holocaust, and on the other hand, I would prove to my self what I have always said. We don't have names, we're all numbers.

{#32} To Infinity and Beyond

Haven't been here in a while have I? Well, lots of things have happened.
Who the fuck am I lying to? The only interesting thing that has happened was that almost two months ago I met the person I want to love for the rest of my life. I think.
Apart from that, there's nothing new. Screwing up, making people feel dissapointed, making people dislike me, being rude, being stupid, being a fucked up human being, being shit.
That's what it's all about isn't it?
Fucking up.
That's what I always do. And honestly, I couldn't care less anymore. I tried to change, I did.
But people can't be changed, they can't.
No matter how badly you try to change yourself or others, people do what they do and they like what they like.
And a drug addict will always be a drug addict.
And an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic.
And me?
I'll always be myself.

{#31} Madness is Genious.

Is it so damn hard to believe the words your own daughter says? The fact that they've lied to me doesn't mean that I have to lie to them, too. The fact that I grew up in a world of lies and drugs and alcohol doesn't mean that I'm gonna go and do the same thing. Cause I don't wanna be like them. I don't wanna make the same mistakes they did. I don't want to ruin their lives like they ruined mine. And it hurts that they don't believe me, so much. It used to hurt more... it did. But now I've become numb to the pain they cause me. I don't care anymore. And chances are, in 1 year, 6 months and 4 days... I'm going to leave this place. And I don't care if I don't see them ever again.
I honestly don't care anymore.

{#30} Welcome to my mind. It's a little crazy in here.

{#29} If I leave, you'll sink. But if I stay, you will bring me down with you.

And it's terrifying.

{#28} Airplanes

{#27} Guns only go bang when you pull the trigger.

I can't open my heart, and I am so sorry I can't. I need to, I want to. I want to be wanted, to be loved. I want to love someone so much it hurts. I want to miss someone so much I can't get out of bed until I see them. I want to drink coffee, and I want to eat apples, and I want to be better. To be better to myself and to everyone else.

{#26} (500) Days of Summer

{#25} Never ending nights.

{#24} Miserable Mornings.

{#23} If it's important to you, you will find a way. If it's not, you will find an excuse.

{#22} We feel guilty because we are guilty.

{#21} Don't panic.

{#20} Not all those who wander are lost.

{#19} All that is gold does not glitter...

{#18} It's going great.

{#17} So obviously desperate, so desperately obvious.

{#16} So sick, so sick of being tired. And, oh, so tired of being sick..

{#15} 23 Hours a Day...

"I spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we’re wrong for each other, wondering whether we’ve got the energy that we need to get through everything that we seem to get into, whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship. But in the 24th hour, I realize I’ve been thinking about her for 23 hours and I come back to 'there’s something about her I can’t stay away from. Something about her, that makes me want to love her.'"

"It was real, wasn’t it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn’t we?"

"You’ll never know how strong you are. Until, being strong is the only choice you have."

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy, is that they always see the past better than it was."

"Albert Camus once wrote 'Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.' But I wonder if there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning. And if there's no learning then there's no struggle. But struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?"

"Sometimes when you're young you think nothing can hurt you. It's like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. Big Plans. To find your perfect match, the one who completes you. But as you get older you realize it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made where simply plans. Because at the end when you're looking back instead of forward you want to believe you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe you're leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered."

"Most of the time, love doesn't really need words."

{#14} Romeo & Juliet

1. Meredith Grey: In the eight grade, my English class had to read "Romeo and Juliet". Then for extra credit, Ms. Synder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo and as fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous, but I had a slightly different take. I told Ms. Synder Juliet was an idiot. For starters she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have, then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Ms. Synder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13 I was very clear that love, like life, is about making choices, and fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it's so romantic. Romeo and Juliet, true love, how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink the bottle of the poison and go to sleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got!
2. Meredith Grey: Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while, and then their time passed. And if they could've known that beforehand, maybe it would've all been OK. I told Ms. Synder that when I was grown up, I would take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Synder said I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone, and if I did, we would be together forever. Even now I believe for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time, and that sometimes despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.

{#13} Survey

-What is your name?
Michelle.
-Are you named after anyone?
Not really.

Basics
-Your gender:
I am a Female.
-Straight/Gay/Bi:
Straight.
-Single?
Yup.
-Birth date:
18/01/94
-Your age:
16
-Age you act:
16?
-Age you wish you were:
I'm fine like this.
-Your height:
5'3 / 1.59cm
-Eye color:
Blue...ish.
-Happy with it?
Sure.
-Hair color:
Blonde...ish.
-Happy with it?
Sure.
-Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:
Right. 
 Do you speak another language?
Spanish, Hebrew, and English.

Life
-Do you live in the moment?
I try to.
-Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?
Not so much. But I try to be.
-Do you have any secrets?
Yes.
-Do you hate yourself?
Most of the time.
-Do you like your handwriting?
Yeah.
-Do you have any bad habits?
I smoke. A lot.
-If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?
Growing up.
-What's your biggest fear?
I can't think of it right now. I guess I've become pretty fearless.
-Can you sing?
No.
-Are you a loner?
Sometimes.
-If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Not really. I don't think I'm worth it.
-Do you think you are emotionally strong?
I try to be. But I'm weak, and I'm vulnerable. Most people don't know that though.
-Is there anything you regret doing or not doing in life?
Yes. But I try not to think about it.
-Do you think life has been good so far?
Not so much. It's been really, really hard.
-Do you think you are good looking?
I think I'm fat.
-Are you confident?
People think I am. And I am, sometimes. But it's hard.
-What is the fictional character you are most like?
I don't know.

Do You...
-Smoke?
A lot.
-Do drugs?
No.
-Read the newspaper?
Sometimes.
-Pray?
Not anymore.
-Take walks in the rain?
Yeah.
-Drive?
Nope.

Would or Have You Ever?
-Liked your voice?
Nah.
-Hurt yourself?
In every single way.
-Been out of the country?
Yeah.
-Eaten something that made other people sick?
Probably.
-Been in love?
Yeah.
-Done drugs?
No.
-Gone skinny dipping?
Yes.
-Had a medical emergency?
Yup.
-Had surgery?
Nawh.
-Ran away from home?
Yup.
-Played strip poker?
Yeah.
-Gotten beaten up?
No.
-Beaten someone up?
I've bitchslapped someone.
-Slept outdoors?
Yeah.
-Thought about suicide?
I did. I'm not proud of it.
-Gone one day without food?
Yes.
-Talked on the phone all night?
Yeah.
-Slept together with the opposite sex without having sex?
Of course.
-Slept all day?
Yeeah.
-Made out with a stranger?
Yeah.
-Met a famous person?
Yeah.
-Have you ever killed an animal by accident?
Yup. Fish.
-Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?
Yes.
-Been on radio/tv?
Yes.
-Been in a mosh-pit?
Yeah.
-Had a nervous breakdown?
Happens a lot.
-Bungee jumped?
No. It's on my to-do list.
-Had a dream that kept coming back?
More than once.

Beliefs
-Belive in life on other planets?
Yeah.
-Miracles?
No.
-Astrology?
Yes.
-Magic?
No.
-God?
No.
-Satan?
No.
-Santa?
No.
-Ghosts?
I do.
-Luck?
Yeah.
-Love at first sight?
Yes.
-Witches?
No.
-Easter bunny?
No.
-Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?
If you want to and you are in love, then yes.
-Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?
Yeah.
-Do you wish on stars?
I used to.

Deep Theological Questions
-Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?
No.
-Do you think God has a gender?
I don't think there's a God.
-Do you believe in organized religion?
No.
-Where do you think we go when we die?
I'm going to hell. Don't know what about you.

Friends
-Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?
Not that I know of.
-Who's the one person that knows most about you?
I don't know. I mean I don't even know things about myself.
-Your favourite inside joke?
You would never ever ever understand.
-Who's your longest known friend?
My best friend.
-Newest?
No idea.
-Smartest?
Deanne.
-Who are you on the phone with most?
Don't know.
-Who do you trust most?
I barely even trust myself.
-Who listens to your problems?
My close friends. I complain a lot.
-Who do you fight most with?
Hah.
-Who's the best singer?
Don't know.
-Do you always feel understood?
Who does?!
-Who's the loudest friend?
I think it's me.
-Do you trust others easily?
I've learned not to. The hard way.
-Who's house were you last at?
Deanne's.
-Name one person whos arms you feel safe in:
My dad?
-Do your friends know you?
I don't know me.

Love and All That
-Do you consider love a mistake?
Everything can be a mistake. Even love.
-What do you find romantic?
I don't know.
-First kiss?
So not answering this.
-If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?
Normal?
-Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them?
Yeah.
-Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
I think so.
-Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?
I know they do. I hate it.
-What's the last present someone gave you?
Mhm. Interesting. My tattoo. I think.
-Are you in love?
No.

Who Was the Last Person...
-You wanted to kill?
No one.
-That laughed at you?
My parents.
-You went shopping with?
Dunno.
-To make you cry?
I dare you to make me cry.
-To brighten up your day?
Don't know.
-That you thought about?
Don't know.
-You saw a movie with?
Gil.
-You talked to on the phone?
Mhm. Don't know.
-You saw?
Dad.
-You lost?
I've lost so many people that it doesn't matter anymore.

Right This Moment...
-Are you going out?
No.
-What are you wearing right now?
A tank top and panties.
-Body part you're touching right now:
My arm's touching my thigh, but my hands are on the keyboard.
-What are you worried about right now?
I'm not gonna start with that.
-What book are you reading?
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.
-What's on your mousepad?
Nothing.
-Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:
Pissed. Annoyed. Confused. Tired. Hot.
-Are you bored?
Yes.
-Are you tired?
Yes.
-Are you talking to anyone online?
Yeah.
-Are you talking to anyone on the phone?
Nope.
-Are you lonely or content?
Lonely.
-Are you listening to music?
Incubus-I miss you.

{#12} Old about me.

"I am probably one of the most confusing and difficult people you will ever come in contact with. At times I almost can not even understand myself. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, you decide. Either way, I'm here to stay.

I'm not about to sit here and tell you I'm a good person at heart, because I'm not. Don't ever fall for me, chances are, I'll break your heart. I have loved and lost, story of my life. I have had my own heart broken too many times. I no longer believe in love, or love at first sight. I do, however, believe in strong feelings of immature, teenage lust. It seems as though every person I have ever truly loved has managed to hurt me or stab me in the back somehow. It has made me a very cold hearted and bitter person in the end. I do not care about too many people. - I've also been told I am a bad friend. chances are, this is true.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that the people you care about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.

I may be one to forgive, but I never forget. My trust is something many of you will never earn, and once you lose it then it is gone for good. I have learned from experience not to give out second chances, they only lead to more pain. I do not have a lot of real friends in this world and I'm not afraid to admit it because it's about quality not quantity, and the few friends I have I love more than anything.

I know I've made mistakes, but I'm only human. I dont intend to go back into the past any longer. I'm sick and tired of wondering what things could have been like if only I would have done things differently when I had the chance. I've only got one life to live, one shot at happiness, and one opportunity to succeed. I'm going to live my life to the fullest. To me that means living in the present and for the future, not the past.

I refuse to let my past hold me back any longer. I refuse to give a damn about anybodys opinions and assumptions other than my own. I've already wasted too many years of my life worrying about other people, but the fact is that this is my life and it revolves around me. Try to stand in my way, I dare you. Try to bring me down or hurt me and I'll watch in amusement as you fail. I promise.

I want to meet someone that makes me laugh like sadness doesn't exist: a sense of humour is absolutely vital if you want to be my friend. If you don't have that, I'll probably think twice about even giving you the time of day. I don't like people who follow trends or go against them purely because they think they're being rebellious. It seems like everyone is just trying to impress everyone else. I think I'll just worry about impressing myself, and if it intrigues anyone else, well that's just a bonus. I'm young and stupid. please don't expect anything from me. I'm just like you- a mess.

 I need constant reassurance in everything. Especially the way I look. I think I'm fat and ugly, and have one of the lowest self-esteems you can find in a person. I try not to show it, because I know how to have fun, and being ashamed of anything isn't one of them. I used to not want people to label me, but I know it's non-avoidable. I don't care what you label me as anymore, as long as you don't have a problem with me. I'm not going to try and be all though saying "I'd rather you hate me" or "If you don't like me, even better". Because that's not true."

{#11} Blank and empty.

I could spend hours staring at the blank, empty blog entry that's right in front of my eyes. I could, and yet nothing would pop out into my blank, empty mind. I haven't written anything decent in months. I am so disappointed at myself. I mean, writing and literature mean so much to me and I can't even finish a book these days. I am listening to Incubus now, and they are not making me feel better. They always do. Music always does. Writing always makes me feel better. Stories. Just sinking into my imagination and killing time. That used to feel so good. It was amazing. It was the best feeling in the world, and now it's gone.
But it's gonna come back. This can't leave me. It's still inside of me and it's still me.
Or isn't it?

{#10} Fuck.

Will everyone please just shut the fuck up? Just for one fucking second. Don't do this, you don't know about this, you don't have to do that. Like I don't know what I'm doing. I am stupid, I know I am. And yeah, you can go ahead and call me a skank. I don't give a fuck. I have no fucking interesting on being better than that. Cause when I am, people hurt me. And I don't want people to hurt me anymore. So yeah. Go ahead, call me a slut. Go ahead and call me fat. Call me stupid.
I don't give a fuck.

{#9} Emails to ghosts 1

Hello... It's me. I know this is not fair for either of us... but I guess I just... want you to read my words. Somehow. To remember me. Even if you don't want to. It's just... I miss you too much. You can ignore this, if you don't want to keep reading. I'm not going to beg, or cry. Not anymore. It won't bring you back, will it? I tried leaving you a voice message, but your phone isn't working anymore. I guess I knew that, somehow. How long has it been since you've been gone? I know it's only been 5 months... but it feels like forever. Remember how we used to watch my favorite movies? The ones you hated... we'd watch them all night and you'd hug me and we'd kiss... and I'd fall asleep in your arms. Those days were amazing. I miss them. And I still love you. So much. Words can't really explain it. I wish you were here with me. Or just here. You being gone... it seems like it was all worthless. And it hurts. But I know you're better now. I know you stopped suffering. I miss you.
I will always love you.

"Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell cares."

{#8} Hansel&Gretel

"And Hansel said to Gretel: 'Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things'
This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey…is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel… and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who’d arrived. It wasn’t me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

~ One Tree Hill

{#7} 1.24AM

Yesterday I went to bed at 1.24AM. To bed, not to sleep. Of course not. I'm having trouble with sleeping again. The noises are getting weird, and the heat... I can't stand it.

{#6} So what?

I used to think I had life figured out. I used to think that my life could be great if I wanted it to, and I used to think that I was going to be just fine. But it isn’t like that. You need to fight, and you need to scream, and you need to cry, and you need to move on because this is life, and it hurts like hell, and it stabs you in the back a few times, and eventually, it kills you. You never know how long your life is gonna be, maybe you’ll live for a really long time, and maybe you’ll die tomorrow. And truth is, I wouldn’t want to know. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t have any regrets. I do what I do, and I like what I like, and people don’t like me for it, and honestly I don’t care. I don’t give a shit about it. I know I am hard to deal with and I know I don’t know anything about myself, or anybody else, but this is my life and these are my choices, and this is mine. This is the only thing I can control, and I barely do. For a really long time I thought that I could make a change, I thought that my words or my feelings or the things I say would make someone’s life great, but I can’t, and they don’t. I want life to be good for me, not for everybody else. I’ve been here for almost 17 years, and I haven’t made a difference. And I don’t care anymore. I want the difference to be for me. I want my writings and the things I do and think to mean something to me, because that’s what life’s about. Not about making something that matters to other people, but to make it matter to yourself. Because I’ve realized that I’m alone in this. I came here alone, and I’m going to go alone. And I don’t really care, as long as I have myself. As long as I don’t lose myself. I don’t have life figured out. I don’t have myself figured out. But I’m done trying to do it, I’m going to let it come by itself. Because if there is a meaning to life, and to love, and to pain, I don’t think we’re meant to know it. I’m alone, I am. I’m lonely. I’m a mess. I don’t fit in. People talk about me. So what?

{#5} Invisible Monsters

"When you understand,” Brandy says, “that what you’re telling is just a story. It isn’t happening anymore. When you realize the story you’re telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan,” Brandy says, “then we’ll figure out who you’re going to be."


"Fuck me. I’m so tired of being me. Me beautiful. Me ugly. Blonde. Brunette. A million fucking fashion makeovers that only leave me trapped being me. Who I was before the accident is just a story now. Everything before now, before now, before now, is just a story I carry around. I guess that would apply to anybody in the world. What I need is a new story about who I am. What I need to do is fuck up so bad I can’t save myself."
 
~ Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

{#4} Not too good.

That doesn't mean I'll stop living it. It feels better than the truth.

{#3} Could I?

That was it. The last smoke. My last smoke. The last smoke ever. The last cigarette I was ever going to smoke. The last time the smoke was going to go down my throat straight to my lungs. The last time. I couldn't believe I wasn't going to be able to smoke ever again. Not like anyone forbid it... I just had promised myself I wouldn't. I promised myself, and I wasn't lying. But it felt so good... I just wanted to have one more smoke. To feel it one more time. That amazing feeling... Once more. But I couldn't.
Or could I?

{#2} Amazinnnng.

So... my boyfriend hasn't called me today and I'm not feeling really great. My dad started drinking again and my friends don't really like me and today... pretty much sucks. It hurts... all of it. Giving yourself to someone and trusting someone who you think cares about you and realizing that they don't really care. Sucks. Can't really write right now. Great.

{#1} War.

So we're sitting at the table, eating an enjoyable meal, and Grandpa brings it up. The war. I must quote Golda Meir right now; “We will have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than they hate us.”

I am not afraid of the war. I am not afraid of losing it. I am not afraid of dying. I just think it isn't necessary. I think it's stupid. I think that if they'd try not to hate us they could. If they tried to be a little open-minded, they could. But who am I kidding? Not gonna happen.