{#45} What did I ever see in you?

Oh, I remember now...
I was so terribly in love with you, and I thought you loved me back.
I thought you understood me, and I thought you were mine.
Guess you didn't, and you weren't.

{#44} Swallowed, Sniffed, Snorted, Smoked or Injected

I am glad to say that finally, after almost a month of being one of the most miserable human beings on earth, crying all the time, and being a walking mess, things are starting to work out again. Not really work out, but things are back to the way they used to be before everything happened. And by everything I mean everything that has happened in the last 4 months. Since August. Everything started then. But that is another story for another day. It's mid-November now, twenty-ten is almost gone, and everything is back to the way it was meant to be. No boyfriend, no police, no shit. Well, a little shit. Good shit, though. I'm back to my normal self, saying fuck everyone, screwing everything up and messing shit up. I missed it, not caring. Saying fuck the world. I can't believe I let him change me... but I did because I thought it would be for the better, not for the worst. I did because I was practically screaming to be saved. But that didn't save me, it only hurt me, left me desperate and confused and it didn't leave me nowhere to go. But it's okay now, I understand. I really thought he was too screwed up to love anyone, but he just couldn't love me. And it really is okay. I actually am happy for him, at least one of us got a happy ending. And I'm over it, over the drama, over trying to hate him, and her. Over trying to go back to the past, and over trying to escape from things. So yes. I'm facing everything now. Everything I should have faced years ago. And honestly, there are some things that just don't change. I'm included there.

And I'm glad to say that I'm finally back.

{#43} Look at us.

{#42} Survey #2

What are you thinking about?

Nothing really. Some people are just assholes, no matter what.
How many funerals have you been to this year?
None so far.

You get a text at 4 a.m. saying “come outside.” what do you do?
Depends on who it is. Probably ignore it.

Are you in a good mood?
I haven't been in a good mood in so long.

Is it easy to make you smile?
No. It's easy to make me laugh. That doesn't mean I'm happy though.
Are you starting to realize something?
Yes. (Stupid question)

One thing you’re looking forward to?
Mhm. Dying!
Why did you cry the last time you did?
Cause it all hurts so fucking much.

If someone gave you $500, what would you spend it on?
Interesting. Clothes and make up I think.
Are you a neat writer?
Not really.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My parents.
Do you wanna see somebody right now?
Yeah but it would be bad to my health.
How often do you talk to this person?
We don't really talk anymore.
Has a rumor been spread about you?
A shitload of rumors have been spread about me. Some of them are true.
Are you an alcoholic?
Maybe.
Where on your body hurts?
Every fucking where.
Do you know anyone who drinks a lot?
Yup. A few people.
Do you always find it cute when guys/girls call you babe/baby?
Nope.
When was the last time you got a hair cut?
September 2009.
Is there a song that every time you hear it, you think of someone?
Yeah. A few songs.
Anything you want right now?
I want him. To love me. Yeah.

If you are being extremely quiet what does that mean?
I might be sad, or mad, or nervous.
Would you say you’re emotionally strong?
NOT AT ALL.
Which is harder, telling someone you love them or that you don’t?
That you do, if you really do. If not, it comes out automatically. I love you I love you I'm in love with you I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yeah. Fucking liar.
Who did you hang out with last night?
Myself.
Do you love the last girl you were talking to?
Uhm. Not really.
Did you see a girl last night that made you smile?
No.
Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it?
Nah.
What’s worse: liars or cheaters?
Eugh at both. Seriously. Anyway, to cheat you need to lie. So yeah. Cheaters, then you do both.
Why do people continue to smoke when they know the effects of it?
Cause they don't give a fuck about getting lung cancer and dying. At least I don't.
What is something you wish you had more of?
Happiness.
Are you taller than your mom?
No.
Will your next kiss be a mistake?
All my kisses are.
Do you have to check in with your parents before you go somwhere?
Maybe.
Do you mind being cold?
I don't like being cold. I like being warped in a blanket.
Are you afraid of falling in love?
I'm terrified. Not gonna happen again. Ever. After this, my heart is closed.
Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
E v e r y - f u c k i n g - t h i n g
Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
Yes, they did. They never really meant it though.
Do you think you are a good person?
No.
Describe your life for the past month in one word?
I don't know if you can really call this life. I'm more of a zombie or a ghost of what I used to be.
Would you get married if you could right now?
No.