Thursday, 29 July 2010
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Friday, 16 July 2010
{#27} Guns only go bang when you pull the trigger.
I can't open my heart, and I am so sorry I can't. I need to, I want to. I want to be wanted, to be loved. I want to love someone so much it hurts. I want to miss someone so much I can't get out of bed until I see them. I want to drink coffee, and I want to eat apples, and I want to be better. To be better to myself and to everyone else.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Thursday, 8 July 2010
{#15} 23 Hours a Day...
"I spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we’re wrong for each other, wondering whether we’ve got the energy that we need to get through everything that we seem to get into, whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship. But in the 24th hour, I realize I’ve been thinking about her for 23 hours and I come back to 'there’s something about her I can’t stay away from. Something about her, that makes me want to love her.'"
"It was real, wasn’t it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn’t we?"
"You’ll never know how strong you are. Until, being strong is the only choice you have."
"The reason people find it so hard to be happy, is that they always see the past better than it was."
"Albert Camus once wrote 'Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.' But I wonder if there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning. And if there's no learning then there's no struggle. But struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?"
"Sometimes when you're young you think nothing can hurt you. It's like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. Big Plans. To find your perfect match, the one who completes you. But as you get older you realize it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made where simply plans. Because at the end when you're looking back instead of forward you want to believe you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe you're leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered."
"Most of the time, love doesn't really need words."
"It was real, wasn’t it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn’t we?"
"You’ll never know how strong you are. Until, being strong is the only choice you have."
"The reason people find it so hard to be happy, is that they always see the past better than it was."
"Albert Camus once wrote 'Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.' But I wonder if there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning. And if there's no learning then there's no struggle. But struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?"
"Sometimes when you're young you think nothing can hurt you. It's like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. Big Plans. To find your perfect match, the one who completes you. But as you get older you realize it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made where simply plans. Because at the end when you're looking back instead of forward you want to believe you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe you're leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered."
"Most of the time, love doesn't really need words."
{#14} Romeo & Juliet
- Meredith Grey: In the eight grade, my English class had to read "Romeo and Juliet". Then for extra credit, Ms. Synder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo and as fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous, but I had a slightly different take. I told Ms. Synder Juliet was an idiot. For starters she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have, then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Ms. Synder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. At the ripe old age of 13 I was very clear that love, like life, is about making choices, and fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it's so romantic. Romeo and Juliet, true love, how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink the bottle of the poison and go to sleep in a mausoleum, she deserved whatever she got!
- Meredith Grey: Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while, and then their time passed. And if they could've known that beforehand, maybe it would've all been OK. I told Ms. Synder that when I was grown up, I would take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Synder said I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone, and if I did, we would be together forever. Even now I believe for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time, and that sometimes despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.
{#13} Survey
-What is your name?
Michelle.
-Are you named after anyone?
Not really.
Basics
-Your gender:
I am a Female.
-Straight/Gay/Bi:
Straight.
-Single?
Yup.
-Birth date:
18/01/94
-Your age:
16
-Age you act:
16?
-Age you wish you were:
I'm fine like this.
-Your height:
5'3 / 1.59cm
-Eye color:
Blue...ish.
-Happy with it?
Sure.
-Hair color:
Blonde...ish.
-Happy with it?
Sure.
-Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:
Right.
Do you speak another language?
Spanish, Hebrew, and English.
Life
-Do you live in the moment?
I try to.
-Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?
Not so much. But I try to be.
-Do you have any secrets?
Yes.
-Do you hate yourself?
Most of the time.
-Do you like your handwriting?
Yeah.
-Do you have any bad habits?
I smoke. A lot.
-If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?
Growing up.
-What's your biggest fear?
I can't think of it right now. I guess I've become pretty fearless.
-Can you sing?
No.
-Are you a loner?
Sometimes.
-If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Not really. I don't think I'm worth it.
-Do you think you are emotionally strong?
I try to be. But I'm weak, and I'm vulnerable. Most people don't know that though.
-Is there anything you regret doing or not doing in life?
Yes. But I try not to think about it.
-Do you think life has been good so far?
Not so much. It's been really, really hard.
-Do you think you are good looking?
I think I'm fat.
-Are you confident?
People think I am. And I am, sometimes. But it's hard.
-What is the fictional character you are most like?
I don't know.
Do You...
-Smoke?
A lot.
-Do drugs?
No.
-Read the newspaper?
Sometimes.
-Pray?
Not anymore.
-Take walks in the rain?
Yeah.
-Drive?
Nope.
Would or Have You Ever?
-Liked your voice?
Nah.
-Hurt yourself?
In every single way.
-Been out of the country?
Yeah.
-Eaten something that made other people sick?
Probably.
-Been in love?
Yeah.
-Done drugs?
No.
-Gone skinny dipping?
Yes.
-Had a medical emergency?
Yup.
-Had surgery?
Nawh.
-Ran away from home?
Yup.
-Played strip poker?
Yeah.
-Gotten beaten up?
No.
-Beaten someone up?
I've bitchslapped someone.
-Slept outdoors?
Yeah.
-Thought about suicide?
I did. I'm not proud of it.
-Gone one day without food?
Yes.
-Talked on the phone all night?
Yeah.
-Slept together with the opposite sex without having sex?
Of course.
-Slept all day?
Yeeah.
-Made out with a stranger?
Yeah.
-Met a famous person?
Yeah.
-Have you ever killed an animal by accident?
Yup. Fish.
-Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?
Yes.
-Been on radio/tv?
Yes.
-Been in a mosh-pit?
Yeah.
-Had a nervous breakdown?
Happens a lot.
-Bungee jumped?
No. It's on my to-do list.
-Had a dream that kept coming back?
More than once.
Beliefs
-Belive in life on other planets?
Yeah.
-Miracles?
No.
-Astrology?
Yes.
-Magic?
No.
-God?
No.
-Satan?
No.
-Santa?
No.
-Ghosts?
I do.
-Luck?
Yeah.
-Love at first sight?
Yes.
-Witches?
No.
-Easter bunny?
No.
-Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?
If you want to and you are in love, then yes.
-Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?
Yeah.
-Do you wish on stars?
I used to.
Deep Theological Questions
-Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?
No.
-Do you think God has a gender?
I don't think there's a God.
-Do you believe in organized religion?
No.
-Where do you think we go when we die?
I'm going to hell. Don't know what about you.
Friends
-Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?
Not that I know of.
-Who's the one person that knows most about you?
I don't know. I mean I don't even know things about myself.
-Your favourite inside joke?
You would never ever ever understand.
-Who's your longest known friend?
My best friend.
-Newest?
No idea.
-Smartest?
Deanne.
-Who are you on the phone with most?
Don't know.
-Who do you trust most?
I barely even trust myself.
-Who listens to your problems?
My close friends. I complain a lot.
-Who do you fight most with?
Hah.
-Who's the best singer?
Don't know.
-Do you always feel understood?
Who does?!
-Who's the loudest friend?
I think it's me.
-Do you trust others easily?
I've learned not to. The hard way.
-Who's house were you last at?
Deanne's.
-Name one person whos arms you feel safe in:
My dad?
-Do your friends know you?
I don't know me.
Love and All That
-Do you consider love a mistake?
Everything can be a mistake. Even love.
-What do you find romantic?
I don't know.
-First kiss?
So not answering this.
-If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?
Normal?
-Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them?
Yeah.
-Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
I think so.
-Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?
I know they do. I hate it.
-What's the last present someone gave you?
Mhm. Interesting. My tattoo. I think.
-Are you in love?
No.
Who Was the Last Person...
-You wanted to kill?
No one.
-That laughed at you?
My parents.
-You went shopping with?
Dunno.
-To make you cry?
I dare you to make me cry.
-To brighten up your day?
Don't know.
-That you thought about?
Don't know.
-You saw a movie with?
Gil.
-You talked to on the phone?
Mhm. Don't know.
-You saw?
Dad.
-You lost?
I've lost so many people that it doesn't matter anymore.
Right This Moment...
-Are you going out?
No.
-What are you wearing right now?
A tank top and panties.
-Body part you're touching right now:
My arm's touching my thigh, but my hands are on the keyboard.
-What are you worried about right now?
I'm not gonna start with that.
-What book are you reading?
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.
-What's on your mousepad?
Nothing.
-Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:
Pissed. Annoyed. Confused. Tired. Hot.
-Are you bored?
Yes.
-Are you tired?
Yes.
-Are you talking to anyone online?
Yeah.
-Are you talking to anyone on the phone?
Nope.
-Are you lonely or content?
Lonely.
-Are you listening to music?
Incubus-I miss you.
Michelle.
-Are you named after anyone?
Not really.
Basics
-Your gender:
I am a Female.
-Straight/Gay/Bi:
Straight.
-Single?
Yup.
-Birth date:
18/01/94
-Your age:
16
-Age you act:
16?
-Age you wish you were:
I'm fine like this.
-Your height:
5'3 / 1.59cm
-Eye color:
Blue...ish.
-Happy with it?
Sure.
-Hair color:
Blonde...ish.
-Happy with it?
Sure.
-Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:
Right.
Do you speak another language?
Spanish, Hebrew, and English.
Life
-Do you live in the moment?
I try to.
-Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?
Not so much. But I try to be.
-Do you have any secrets?
Yes.
-Do you hate yourself?
Most of the time.
-Do you like your handwriting?
Yeah.
-Do you have any bad habits?
I smoke. A lot.
-If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?
Growing up.
-What's your biggest fear?
I can't think of it right now. I guess I've become pretty fearless.
-Can you sing?
No.
-Are you a loner?
Sometimes.
-If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Not really. I don't think I'm worth it.
-Do you think you are emotionally strong?
I try to be. But I'm weak, and I'm vulnerable. Most people don't know that though.
-Is there anything you regret doing or not doing in life?
Yes. But I try not to think about it.
-Do you think life has been good so far?
Not so much. It's been really, really hard.
-Do you think you are good looking?
I think I'm fat.
-Are you confident?
People think I am. And I am, sometimes. But it's hard.
-What is the fictional character you are most like?
I don't know.
Do You...
-Smoke?
A lot.
-Do drugs?
No.
-Read the newspaper?
Sometimes.
-Pray?
Not anymore.
-Take walks in the rain?
Yeah.
-Drive?
Nope.
Would or Have You Ever?
-Liked your voice?
Nah.
-Hurt yourself?
In every single way.
-Been out of the country?
Yeah.
-Eaten something that made other people sick?
Probably.
-Been in love?
Yeah.
-Done drugs?
No.
-Gone skinny dipping?
Yes.
-Had a medical emergency?
Yup.
-Had surgery?
Nawh.
-Ran away from home?
Yup.
-Played strip poker?
Yeah.
-Gotten beaten up?
No.
-Beaten someone up?
I've bitchslapped someone.
-Slept outdoors?
Yeah.
-Thought about suicide?
I did. I'm not proud of it.
-Gone one day without food?
Yes.
-Talked on the phone all night?
Yeah.
-Slept together with the opposite sex without having sex?
Of course.
-Slept all day?
Yeeah.
-Made out with a stranger?
Yeah.
-Met a famous person?
Yeah.
-Have you ever killed an animal by accident?
Yup. Fish.
-Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?
Yes.
-Been on radio/tv?
Yes.
-Been in a mosh-pit?
Yeah.
-Had a nervous breakdown?
Happens a lot.
-Bungee jumped?
No. It's on my to-do list.
-Had a dream that kept coming back?
More than once.
Beliefs
-Belive in life on other planets?
Yeah.
-Miracles?
No.
-Astrology?
Yes.
-Magic?
No.
-God?
No.
-Satan?
No.
-Santa?
No.
-Ghosts?
I do.
-Luck?
Yeah.
-Love at first sight?
Yes.
-Witches?
No.
-Easter bunny?
No.
-Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?
If you want to and you are in love, then yes.
-Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?
Yeah.
-Do you wish on stars?
I used to.
Deep Theological Questions
-Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?
No.
-Do you think God has a gender?
I don't think there's a God.
-Do you believe in organized religion?
No.
-Where do you think we go when we die?
I'm going to hell. Don't know what about you.
Friends
-Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?
Not that I know of.
-Who's the one person that knows most about you?
I don't know. I mean I don't even know things about myself.
-Your favourite inside joke?
You would never ever ever understand.
-Who's your longest known friend?
My best friend.
-Newest?
No idea.
-Smartest?
Deanne.
-Who are you on the phone with most?
Don't know.
-Who do you trust most?
I barely even trust myself.
-Who listens to your problems?
My close friends. I complain a lot.
-Who do you fight most with?
Hah.
-Who's the best singer?
Don't know.
-Do you always feel understood?
Who does?!
-Who's the loudest friend?
I think it's me.
-Do you trust others easily?
I've learned not to. The hard way.
-Who's house were you last at?
Deanne's.
-Name one person whos arms you feel safe in:
My dad?
-Do your friends know you?
I don't know me.
Love and All That
-Do you consider love a mistake?
Everything can be a mistake. Even love.
-What do you find romantic?
I don't know.
-First kiss?
So not answering this.
-If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?
Normal?
-Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them?
Yeah.
-Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
I think so.
-Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?
I know they do. I hate it.
-What's the last present someone gave you?
Mhm. Interesting. My tattoo. I think.
-Are you in love?
No.
Who Was the Last Person...
-You wanted to kill?
No one.
-That laughed at you?
My parents.
-You went shopping with?
Dunno.
-To make you cry?
I dare you to make me cry.
-To brighten up your day?
Don't know.
-That you thought about?
Don't know.
-You saw a movie with?
Gil.
-You talked to on the phone?
Mhm. Don't know.
-You saw?
Dad.
-You lost?
I've lost so many people that it doesn't matter anymore.
Right This Moment...
-Are you going out?
No.
-What are you wearing right now?
A tank top and panties.
-Body part you're touching right now:
My arm's touching my thigh, but my hands are on the keyboard.
-What are you worried about right now?
I'm not gonna start with that.
-What book are you reading?
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.
-What's on your mousepad?
Nothing.
-Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:
Pissed. Annoyed. Confused. Tired. Hot.
-Are you bored?
Yes.
-Are you tired?
Yes.
-Are you talking to anyone online?
Yeah.
-Are you talking to anyone on the phone?
Nope.
-Are you lonely or content?
Lonely.
-Are you listening to music?
Incubus-I miss you.
{#12} Old about me.
"I am probably one of the most confusing and difficult people you will ever come in contact with. At times I almost can not even understand myself. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, you decide. Either way, I'm here to stay.
I'm not about to sit here and tell you I'm a good person at heart, because I'm not. Don't ever fall for me, chances are, I'll break your heart. I have loved and lost, story of my life. I have had my own heart broken too many times. I no longer believe in love, or love at first sight. I do, however, believe in strong feelings of immature, teenage lust. It seems as though every person I have ever truly loved has managed to hurt me or stab me in the back somehow. It has made me a very cold hearted and bitter person in the end. I do not care about too many people. - I've also been told I am a bad friend. chances are, this is true.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that the people you care about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.
I may be one to forgive, but I never forget. My trust is something many of you will never earn, and once you lose it then it is gone for good. I have learned from experience not to give out second chances, they only lead to more pain. I do not have a lot of real friends in this world and I'm not afraid to admit it because it's about quality not quantity, and the few friends I have I love more than anything.
I know I've made mistakes, but I'm only human. I dont intend to go back into the past any longer. I'm sick and tired of wondering what things could have been like if only I would have done things differently when I had the chance. I've only got one life to live, one shot at happiness, and one opportunity to succeed. I'm going to live my life to the fullest. To me that means living in the present and for the future, not the past.
I refuse to let my past hold me back any longer. I refuse to give a damn about anybodys opinions and assumptions other than my own. I've already wasted too many years of my life worrying about other people, but the fact is that this is my life and it revolves around me. Try to stand in my way, I dare you. Try to bring me down or hurt me and I'll watch in amusement as you fail. I promise.
I want to meet someone that makes me laugh like sadness doesn't exist: a sense of humour is absolutely vital if you want to be my friend. If you don't have that, I'll probably think twice about even giving you the time of day. I don't like people who follow trends or go against them purely because they think they're being rebellious. It seems like everyone is just trying to impress everyone else. I think I'll just worry about impressing myself, and if it intrigues anyone else, well that's just a bonus. I'm young and stupid. please don't expect anything from me. I'm just like you- a mess.
I need constant reassurance in everything. Especially the way I look. I think I'm fat and ugly, and have one of the lowest self-esteems you can find in a person. I try not to show it, because I know how to have fun, and being ashamed of anything isn't one of them. I used to not want people to label me, but I know it's non-avoidable. I don't care what you label me as anymore, as long as you don't have a problem with me. I'm not going to try and be all though saying "I'd rather you hate me" or "If you don't like me, even better". Because that's not true."
I'm not about to sit here and tell you I'm a good person at heart, because I'm not. Don't ever fall for me, chances are, I'll break your heart. I have loved and lost, story of my life. I have had my own heart broken too many times. I no longer believe in love, or love at first sight. I do, however, believe in strong feelings of immature, teenage lust. It seems as though every person I have ever truly loved has managed to hurt me or stab me in the back somehow. It has made me a very cold hearted and bitter person in the end. I do not care about too many people. - I've also been told I am a bad friend. chances are, this is true.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that the people you care about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.
I may be one to forgive, but I never forget. My trust is something many of you will never earn, and once you lose it then it is gone for good. I have learned from experience not to give out second chances, they only lead to more pain. I do not have a lot of real friends in this world and I'm not afraid to admit it because it's about quality not quantity, and the few friends I have I love more than anything.
I know I've made mistakes, but I'm only human. I dont intend to go back into the past any longer. I'm sick and tired of wondering what things could have been like if only I would have done things differently when I had the chance. I've only got one life to live, one shot at happiness, and one opportunity to succeed. I'm going to live my life to the fullest. To me that means living in the present and for the future, not the past.
I refuse to let my past hold me back any longer. I refuse to give a damn about anybodys opinions and assumptions other than my own. I've already wasted too many years of my life worrying about other people, but the fact is that this is my life and it revolves around me. Try to stand in my way, I dare you. Try to bring me down or hurt me and I'll watch in amusement as you fail. I promise.
I want to meet someone that makes me laugh like sadness doesn't exist: a sense of humour is absolutely vital if you want to be my friend. If you don't have that, I'll probably think twice about even giving you the time of day. I don't like people who follow trends or go against them purely because they think they're being rebellious. It seems like everyone is just trying to impress everyone else. I think I'll just worry about impressing myself, and if it intrigues anyone else, well that's just a bonus. I'm young and stupid. please don't expect anything from me. I'm just like you- a mess.
I need constant reassurance in everything. Especially the way I look. I think I'm fat and ugly, and have one of the lowest self-esteems you can find in a person. I try not to show it, because I know how to have fun, and being ashamed of anything isn't one of them. I used to not want people to label me, but I know it's non-avoidable. I don't care what you label me as anymore, as long as you don't have a problem with me. I'm not going to try and be all though saying "I'd rather you hate me" or "If you don't like me, even better". Because that's not true."
{#11} Blank and empty.
I could spend hours staring at the blank, empty blog entry that's right in front of my eyes. I could, and yet nothing would pop out into my blank, empty mind. I haven't written anything decent in months. I am so disappointed at myself. I mean, writing and literature mean so much to me and I can't even finish a book these days. I am listening to Incubus now, and they are not making me feel better. They always do. Music always does. Writing always makes me feel better. Stories. Just sinking into my imagination and killing time. That used to feel so good. It was amazing. It was the best feeling in the world, and now it's gone.
But it's gonna come back. This can't leave me. It's still inside of me and it's still me.
Or isn't it?
But it's gonna come back. This can't leave me. It's still inside of me and it's still me.
Or isn't it?
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