{#10} Fuck.

Will everyone please just shut the fuck up? Just for one fucking second. Don't do this, you don't know about this, you don't have to do that. Like I don't know what I'm doing. I am stupid, I know I am. And yeah, you can go ahead and call me a skank. I don't give a fuck. I have no fucking interesting on being better than that. Cause when I am, people hurt me. And I don't want people to hurt me anymore. So yeah. Go ahead, call me a slut. Go ahead and call me fat. Call me stupid.
I don't give a fuck.

{#9} Emails to ghosts 1

Hello... It's me. I know this is not fair for either of us... but I guess I just... want you to read my words. Somehow. To remember me. Even if you don't want to. It's just... I miss you too much. You can ignore this, if you don't want to keep reading. I'm not going to beg, or cry. Not anymore. It won't bring you back, will it? I tried leaving you a voice message, but your phone isn't working anymore. I guess I knew that, somehow. How long has it been since you've been gone? I know it's only been 5 months... but it feels like forever. Remember how we used to watch my favorite movies? The ones you hated... we'd watch them all night and you'd hug me and we'd kiss... and I'd fall asleep in your arms. Those days were amazing. I miss them. And I still love you. So much. Words can't really explain it. I wish you were here with me. Or just here. You being gone... it seems like it was all worthless. And it hurts. But I know you're better now. I know you stopped suffering. I miss you.
I will always love you.

"Someone once said that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell cares."

{#8} Hansel&Gretel

"And Hansel said to Gretel: 'Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things'
This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey…is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel… and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who’d arrived. It wasn’t me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

~ One Tree Hill

{#7} 1.24AM

Yesterday I went to bed at 1.24AM. To bed, not to sleep. Of course not. I'm having trouble with sleeping again. The noises are getting weird, and the heat... I can't stand it.

{#6} So what?

I used to think I had life figured out. I used to think that my life could be great if I wanted it to, and I used to think that I was going to be just fine. But it isn’t like that. You need to fight, and you need to scream, and you need to cry, and you need to move on because this is life, and it hurts like hell, and it stabs you in the back a few times, and eventually, it kills you. You never know how long your life is gonna be, maybe you’ll live for a really long time, and maybe you’ll die tomorrow. And truth is, I wouldn’t want to know. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t have any regrets. I do what I do, and I like what I like, and people don’t like me for it, and honestly I don’t care. I don’t give a shit about it. I know I am hard to deal with and I know I don’t know anything about myself, or anybody else, but this is my life and these are my choices, and this is mine. This is the only thing I can control, and I barely do. For a really long time I thought that I could make a change, I thought that my words or my feelings or the things I say would make someone’s life great, but I can’t, and they don’t. I want life to be good for me, not for everybody else. I’ve been here for almost 17 years, and I haven’t made a difference. And I don’t care anymore. I want the difference to be for me. I want my writings and the things I do and think to mean something to me, because that’s what life’s about. Not about making something that matters to other people, but to make it matter to yourself. Because I’ve realized that I’m alone in this. I came here alone, and I’m going to go alone. And I don’t really care, as long as I have myself. As long as I don’t lose myself. I don’t have life figured out. I don’t have myself figured out. But I’m done trying to do it, I’m going to let it come by itself. Because if there is a meaning to life, and to love, and to pain, I don’t think we’re meant to know it. I’m alone, I am. I’m lonely. I’m a mess. I don’t fit in. People talk about me. So what?

{#5} Invisible Monsters

"When you understand,” Brandy says, “that what you’re telling is just a story. It isn’t happening anymore. When you realize the story you’re telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan,” Brandy says, “then we’ll figure out who you’re going to be."


"Fuck me. I’m so tired of being me. Me beautiful. Me ugly. Blonde. Brunette. A million fucking fashion makeovers that only leave me trapped being me. Who I was before the accident is just a story now. Everything before now, before now, before now, is just a story I carry around. I guess that would apply to anybody in the world. What I need is a new story about who I am. What I need to do is fuck up so bad I can’t save myself."
 
~ Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

{#4} Not too good.

That doesn't mean I'll stop living it. It feels better than the truth.

{#3} Could I?

That was it. The last smoke. My last smoke. The last smoke ever. The last cigarette I was ever going to smoke. The last time the smoke was going to go down my throat straight to my lungs. The last time. I couldn't believe I wasn't going to be able to smoke ever again. Not like anyone forbid it... I just had promised myself I wouldn't. I promised myself, and I wasn't lying. But it felt so good... I just wanted to have one more smoke. To feel it one more time. That amazing feeling... Once more. But I couldn't.
Or could I?

{#2} Amazinnnng.

So... my boyfriend hasn't called me today and I'm not feeling really great. My dad started drinking again and my friends don't really like me and today... pretty much sucks. It hurts... all of it. Giving yourself to someone and trusting someone who you think cares about you and realizing that they don't really care. Sucks. Can't really write right now. Great.

{#1} War.

So we're sitting at the table, eating an enjoyable meal, and Grandpa brings it up. The war. I must quote Golda Meir right now; “We will have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than they hate us.”

I am not afraid of the war. I am not afraid of losing it. I am not afraid of dying. I just think it isn't necessary. I think it's stupid. I think that if they'd try not to hate us they could. If they tried to be a little open-minded, they could. But who am I kidding? Not gonna happen.